This time of year, as the days grow shorter and the light, when it shows up, is uniformly gray, I feel the urge to store up and hunker down. I gather everything in from the garden, fill the freezer with pre-made meals and baked goods and get my house just so, lining up inside projects that will keep me occupied for the next several months of darkness.
This year, however, my hibernation preparations have expanded to represent my life at this point in time. I have gathered in all of my scattered belongings from the places that I used to be. The totes from my last cubicle are stacked neatly in the garage, and the personal items in my current office can all be rolled out in the one wheeled case I have there in the closet. I am gathering myself into one place, the home I have created over the past thirteen years. And the honest truth is...I really do want to hibernate. I have said many times over the years, "I just want to quit...everything." This year, that is a reality.
When I left my last job at the end of August, I knew I had a safe place to land at the university where I spent eight years as part of the university "family." But four years has made a great difference. Now, I see the institution through the eyes of an outsider, and although I dearly love my friends, I am not one of them any more. I am an outsider, an interloper. No matter how much I am enjoying spending time with my colleagues, I just don't belong. You really can't go home again.
The truth is...I don't want a full-time job, and even this part-time job has demanded a great deal of the time I thought I would have for myself this autumn. I am happy to be welcomed back so enthusiastically, but I don't want my tenure back; I don't want a full class load; I don't want the responsibility of the almost 90 student teachers I will have in the spring and all of their emails and texts and phone calls. I just want to quit...everything. At least for a little while. At least until I figure out what I really want to do.
There have been novel ideas swirling around in my brain for quite some time, but I have never had the time or energy to even give that a try. Now, I really want to. I want the freedom of not having ANYTHING external on my calendar for long stretches of time. I want to wake up without an alarm EVERY day. I want to sit on my window seat and read the books that have been accumulating on my shelves. I want to finish the painting that I started months ago and print out all of the photos I have taken that are inspirations for future art projects. I want to fit and sew the pants that have been hanging out on my cutting table for over a year and needle felt the jackets I have had hanging in the closet for two years. I want to learn to play the guitars and ukulele and piano that sit and wait for me. I want to build a raised bed garden on my deck. I want to cook out of the cookbooks I have gathered for almost 40 years. I want to hike, and bike and kayak and walk the dogs. I want to listen to music and dance and do yoga and move my body in ways that give me pleasure. I want to travel and actually see the people I love. And...I want time to do absolutely nothing.
Since I have committed to next semester, I will have to wait a few more months, but I know now what I didn't know in August. I don't have to be afraid not to have a job. We have saved and been smart about our money and have everything we need. I will not be one of those women in three overcoats pushing a shopping cart full of my worldly belongings. After a lifetime of being in survival mode, I know that I am safe. That is a huge step for me. It is one thing to leap into the void, and another thing entirely to know you will land safely wherever that may be.
Last May I gave myself a year to do what I needed to do to bring joy back into my life. In August, I quit the job that was sucking at my soul. Now, I am on the home stretch. By this May, I will be done with an external job and all of my other professional commitments I am in the process of eliminating. I don't need another thing to add to my vitae. In fact, I don't need a vitae at all.
Now, I think I'll have a cup of tea.
Showing posts with label quitting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quitting. Show all posts
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life
I honestly believe that if you put energy into the universe, the universe will respond. The trick is that you have to be able to listen.
During my epiphany week in May, I made the decision to change my life. That is where this blog originated...I realized I was wearing the ruby slippers all along, and only I could get myself "back home." Of course, the problem was, I didn't know where "home" was, but I was willing to let it go (and for those of you who know my...umm...I have control issues), and trust in what might happen.
As it turned out, through a series of events that included the deaths of two people connected to me who were just about my age and a last-minute resignation of an instructor at the college where I had been tenured before, I turned in my resignation, and August 31 was my last "official" day employed in my own position.
I would like to say it was a seamless transition, but it wasn't. My previous employer was totally shocked that someone would walk away from a six figure salary to go to a part-time teaching gig at a private school (read "wages just above volunteer rate"), but I knew I had to leave a negative environment that I could not change. And, being a change agent, that was difficult for me. There were obviously some hard feelings from my immediate manager since he refused to let take any work time in my last week to monitor phone calls and emails if I wasn't sitting in a chair in my fishbowl cubicle where he could see me, so I had to burn vacation days (the semester began, so I was teaching a couple of hours each day). But, in my new position, I am respected, liked and treated like a professional. And because my colleagues are well aware of what I have to offer, they are thankful that I was able to step in at the last minute and continually tell me so. Not to mention my colleagues are also my friends...even those in positions of authority. It is certainly refreshing.
I have taken the Labor Day weekend to reset. With the drastic reduction in income, we are reprioritizing and reorganizing our lives. I am looking forward to cooking more and eating out less, to finally being able to enjoy the things I have accumulated instead of accumulating more things, and most of all, having time to do things that enrich my life. I have time to write, to create in my studio space and to enjoy the outdoors on bike, in kayak or just walking through the woods. I have been back to the library, one of my most favorite places in the world, and I finally saw the exhibit at the museum I have wanted to see for months.
I have also decided to pare back to the essentials the enrich me physically, too. I have suffered over the past two months from a broken foot and even longer from an injured rotator cuff. I made the decision to drop the bootcamp activity, the yang of the exercise world, and concentrate on Nia and get back to yoga and a more yin space. Lo and behold, my best friend won a semester yoga pass from my favorite studio and turned it over to me. The universe, once again, delivered.
As we move into fall, my favorite season, I feel lighter and more free than I have in a long, long time. I am actually looking forward to every day instead of dreading the drama that and mistreatment I dealt with every day at my old job (I really like saying "old job."). And I have forgotten how much I enjoyed teaching...and how good I am. I have always identified as a teacher, and I have come back "home" in this respect. Teaching rewards me in a different way every day, because I know I am making a difference in my students' lives.
As I transition to a new kind of life, I still have fears that aren't easy to shake. Having had to struggle for survival early on in life, I don't want to go back to a place of desperation and deprivation. And even though I know that, financially, we have saved and planned for many years to be right where we are now, I still have visions of being a bag lady and pushing a shopping cart with my belongings along the sidewalk. Irrational, I know, but those old patterns are hard to break. I guess that is why I am in therapy again. But I do know...and I mean REALLY know...that the key to having more is wanting less. We all have lots of stuff, and I finally get the opportunity to enjoy mine.
Stay tuned...I am sure that there will be bumps along the way (oh yea, there is that health insurance thing), but I am moving forward with optimism and happy anticipation. Look...I said happy. THAT is worth the whole experience.
During my epiphany week in May, I made the decision to change my life. That is where this blog originated...I realized I was wearing the ruby slippers all along, and only I could get myself "back home." Of course, the problem was, I didn't know where "home" was, but I was willing to let it go (and for those of you who know my...umm...I have control issues), and trust in what might happen.
As it turned out, through a series of events that included the deaths of two people connected to me who were just about my age and a last-minute resignation of an instructor at the college where I had been tenured before, I turned in my resignation, and August 31 was my last "official" day employed in my own position.
I would like to say it was a seamless transition, but it wasn't. My previous employer was totally shocked that someone would walk away from a six figure salary to go to a part-time teaching gig at a private school (read "wages just above volunteer rate"), but I knew I had to leave a negative environment that I could not change. And, being a change agent, that was difficult for me. There were obviously some hard feelings from my immediate manager since he refused to let take any work time in my last week to monitor phone calls and emails if I wasn't sitting in a chair in my fishbowl cubicle where he could see me, so I had to burn vacation days (the semester began, so I was teaching a couple of hours each day). But, in my new position, I am respected, liked and treated like a professional. And because my colleagues are well aware of what I have to offer, they are thankful that I was able to step in at the last minute and continually tell me so. Not to mention my colleagues are also my friends...even those in positions of authority. It is certainly refreshing.
I have taken the Labor Day weekend to reset. With the drastic reduction in income, we are reprioritizing and reorganizing our lives. I am looking forward to cooking more and eating out less, to finally being able to enjoy the things I have accumulated instead of accumulating more things, and most of all, having time to do things that enrich my life. I have time to write, to create in my studio space and to enjoy the outdoors on bike, in kayak or just walking through the woods. I have been back to the library, one of my most favorite places in the world, and I finally saw the exhibit at the museum I have wanted to see for months.
I have also decided to pare back to the essentials the enrich me physically, too. I have suffered over the past two months from a broken foot and even longer from an injured rotator cuff. I made the decision to drop the bootcamp activity, the yang of the exercise world, and concentrate on Nia and get back to yoga and a more yin space. Lo and behold, my best friend won a semester yoga pass from my favorite studio and turned it over to me. The universe, once again, delivered.
As we move into fall, my favorite season, I feel lighter and more free than I have in a long, long time. I am actually looking forward to every day instead of dreading the drama that and mistreatment I dealt with every day at my old job (I really like saying "old job."). And I have forgotten how much I enjoyed teaching...and how good I am. I have always identified as a teacher, and I have come back "home" in this respect. Teaching rewards me in a different way every day, because I know I am making a difference in my students' lives.
As I transition to a new kind of life, I still have fears that aren't easy to shake. Having had to struggle for survival early on in life, I don't want to go back to a place of desperation and deprivation. And even though I know that, financially, we have saved and planned for many years to be right where we are now, I still have visions of being a bag lady and pushing a shopping cart with my belongings along the sidewalk. Irrational, I know, but those old patterns are hard to break. I guess that is why I am in therapy again. But I do know...and I mean REALLY know...that the key to having more is wanting less. We all have lots of stuff, and I finally get the opportunity to enjoy mine.
Stay tuned...I am sure that there will be bumps along the way (oh yea, there is that health insurance thing), but I am moving forward with optimism and happy anticipation. Look...I said happy. THAT is worth the whole experience.
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