Ahhhh, New Year's Day. The day we make resolutions to
lose weight, listen to a countdown of the top 100 songs of the year, and are
forced to page through the year-in-review stories in the local newspaper. Oh, and this year we were also reminded that
we are sliding down that slippery slope called the fiscal cliff. If only the world had ended 12/21/12 like the
Mayans predicted….
What I love about the New Year is that it marks a new start,
a rebirth for so many of us. We begin with
a clean slate (or at least a new wall calendar) and begin to plan for the
upcoming year. It is also a time for
reflection about the year that has just passed.
And 2012 has been one of the most significant years in my life.
As I enter 2013, I am a different person than I was a year
ago. In January 2012, I had just come
off of a series of “road shows” that left me exhausted, mentally and
physically. I was unhappy most of the
time and relied on my usual self-medication rituals—overdoing and alcohol. I felt trapped and didn’t know what exactly the
problem was or how I would fix it. By
February, when we took our trip to Hawaii to return my in-law’s ashes, I couldn’t
even enjoy the experience because I was so caught up in all of the things that
needed doing. In May, it all came to a
head when I made the decision to leave my job within a year, and in August, I
tore off the golden handcuffs and leapt into the void. My safety net was the university at which I
had earned tenure prior to the job I left, but even that presented its own set
of challenges. Now, I have one more
semester before I make my May promise a reality. As of this May, I will be, for all intents
and purposes, unemployed. Not retired,
because I won’t be collecting any retirement, but on sabbatical from the
working world for a while. I am excited and scared shitless at the same time.
And so, my therapy continues. I also
face surgery at the end of this month which will leave me pretty incapacitated
for six weeks. I don’t do helpless well. But I have been prepping for that down time
and hoping to make the most of it.
I am currently taking stock and shedding. I have spent the
past several months looking into my dark places, both figuratively and
literally. I started small with the “junk
drawer” and have moved on to all of those closets and cupboards and boxes and
drawers that have been accumulating stuff over the past couple of decades. I have been re-evaluating what I need and
appreciating what I have, and I realize that I have no need for many of the “things”
(both literal and figurative) I have been holding onto. So, purging has been my main activity. Purging my mind, my house and even my body
with a 3-day cleanse. I have been
reorganizing and reprioritizing in order to make space for whatever may be
ahead…and I really don’t know what that is.
And I am really OK with that now.
I have discovered things that I forgot I had, internally and
externally. I am giving myself more
creative license and also giving myself permission to just try things out
without committing since my MO has been to take something on to mastery whether
I really want to do it or not. I am
enjoying the “things” I have been finding in those out-of-sight places, and I
don’t feel a need to gather in anything else, for the most part. That accumulation of “stuff” made the little
girl who grew up going without feel more secure, but the reality is I don’t
need anything now. And if I do, I have the
power and the finances to acquire it. So
I am shedding all of those insecurities and rediscovering that I am in a safe
and secure place, surrounded by only the things that make me happy and inspire
me.
Little by little I will work my way through this house and
garage, even though I am not really on a deadline. I go where I am moved to go, and open the
boxes that call to me. Right now, there is a large pink tote labeled “Michele’s
Writing” sitting out and waiting for me to dig in and discover what I have set
aside over the years. I look forward to the adventure.
Happy New Year.
