Finding a New Rhythm

 
I am a creature of habit.  I have known this about myself from the weekly anticipation of Saturday morning cartoons as a child, to the "live by the bell" schedule that most teachers adopt.  I take comfort in knowing where I am going to be when and what I will be doing...usually.  However, over the years, I have found myself filling every empty slot in my day with...something.  And I have been acutely aware that for the majority of my life, I have zoomed through my days like a whirling dervish, spinning so fast I can barely see where I am going (that may explain all of my "accidents"), straining to finish just one more thing, one more task, one more email, one more whatever before I allow myself to stop moving.  And even then, my brain hadn't gotten the memo because my monkey mind was still busy racing up and down trees and swinging along from this vine to that, rehashing the day or the week wondering what I could have done differently and rehearsing for all of the things coming up.  I spent quite a few years on anti-anxiety meds just so I could turn the volume down and sleep at night.  In case you didn't know, this is a symptom of childhood trauma, the constant moving and doing to avoid the awfulness at home.  It was my way to cope.  And as a result, I have achieved a great deal and been very successful at almost everything I have ever done, and since I was my own worst critic, I would never settle for anything less than perfect. I am sure you see the self-destructive spiral here.  The achievement fed my ego and drove me to do even more, the doing more put me in a position of "let's give it to Mikey" in all of my jobs, and I was happy to earn more positive recognition because it fed something in me that was empty and had been for all my life.

But the world was going by without me. I was a human doing and not a human being, and I didn't know how to get off that damned hamster wheel.  And then my mother died.  It took a few years, but I finally realized that it didn't matter how much I did or how much I accomplished or how many degrees I had or how much money I earned...it would never be enough.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places, and I had no power to make my mother be anything other than who she was...a flawed and miserably unhappy human being who wasn't capable of nurturing another person.

When I turned 50 this May and had my epiphany, I realized that I had been perpetuating the same pattern over and over and over again, in different aspects of my life, in different jobs, with different authority figures that took on that surrogate parent role.  I had created my own prison. And even though I had the key (or the ruby slippers), I never made the choice to use it because I was comfortable in my habit of over-doing, having operated that way for so long.  I spent a great deal of time complaining about never having time for the things I wanted to do when in reality, I was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do because I needed to hang on to that coping mechanism, that habit that made me feel safe.

And now...I have stopped. And it is hard.  It is honestly like breaking an addiction, and I am sure a 12-step program for over-achievers is out there somewhere.  But quitting my job has been like going cold turkey.  My new part-time job was just as crazy at first (and I knew it would be), but now I see stretches of time that are not scheduled.  I have no "house" projects since I finished my 13-year rehab this summer.  I have no work projects that are sucking the life out of me.  For the first time in so long I can't remember, I am riding the wave instead of being tumbled in the surf.  I am observing the world around me and living in the moment more and more often.  I am finding a new rhythm for my life that is not run by alarm clocks and meeting schedules, but is more organic.  Here are some examples...

• I don't use my alarm clock unless I have to be somewhere early in the morning.  I go to bed when I am tired, read for a while and sleep all night, waking in the morning usually about 7:30.
• I taste my daily cup of coffee.  I don't drink much coffee anymore, and I really savor the one cup I have in the morning. And sometimes, I also have a lovely afternoon cup of tea. With milk and sugar.
• I let my body tell me what it wants.  Food?  Exercise? Bubble bath? I have been disconnected from my body for so long, that I have to listen very carefully and honor what I hear.  I am no longer driven to get myself off to bootcamp at the crack of dawn or be sure to eat by 6:00 p.m.
• I am really experiencing the change of the seasons.  I spend time outdoors smelling the scent of fall drifting in and watching the clouds boil up as a front comes through.  I am paying attention.
• I am cooking and baking again. I love food...growing it, cooking it, eating it, and especially sharing it with people I love.  I have missed cooking.
• I am picking up projects only when I feel like doing them, and I am not pushing myself to work through to finish.  A little here, a little there.
• I am finally reading through the magazines that have been piling up for almost a year.  Because I am making time to read.
• I am spending time with myself...just being.  I am trying to take time each day to sit in quiet or listen to a meditation CD.  This is truly one of the hardest things for me to do, but after having an amazing 90-minute energy work session with a very talented Reiki master today, I know the benefits vastly outweigh my discomfort with stillness.
• I am spending down time with my husband and my dogs.  Even if we are just sitting around the same area doing different things there is a sense of contact that had been missing while I was running on my wheel.
• And...I am not planning ahead much.  I am moving along a week at a time.  That is a nice doable chunk for me.
• Finally...I am considering an art piece or two, and maybe the piece that needs to be written to finally exorcise some of those demons.  Not making a production schedule, but just pondering for the moment, letting the next steps unfold as they will.

Time really does feel different.  And I hope that I can continue to be more present, continue to actually notice the changing light in the sky, and continue to listen to that little voice inside.  I am hopeful.

Transition is HARD

I am now entering week three of my "transition," and I have to say, I am struggling.  I know a few things about myself.  I like routine, knowing where I am going, what I am doing and how I need to do it.  For the past three weeks, I have been improvising.  I am back in a place that is definitely familiar, and although everything is the same, everything is different, too.  And I have to learn all over again.  I recognize that part of my struggle is the pressure I put on myself to know enough to be the "expert" (that would be a GREEN in True Colors analysis--http://www.true-colors.com/content.php). So, this has been the equivalent of a cram fest at work...my full-time part-time job.

But it's not just at work.  I have a lot of transition at home, too.  A change in lifestyle due to a salary reduction, a reduction in the level of health care benefits to which I have grown accustomed (I didn't realize how fortunate I was until I realized that my "new" insurance means that doctors I have gone to for 30 years are all 'out-of-network'), and even a change in internet and email providers because part of the transition is cutting back on finances.

Add to all of that the pain I have been dealing with for months (torn shoulder and broken foot), and I am not in the best position to deal with rapid onset change.  But deal I must.  Thank goodness that I have a mostly supportive spouse who stands firm when my crazy surfaces.  Which it does under extreme stress.

I am, however, confident that this too shall pass.  I opened a letter from my Nia trainers that I wrote in May, and it reminds me of the place I need to be.  So...I am making the effort to put myself in that place.  That place where I can celebrate my small victories (and large ones...today we conducted a transaction that most people wait a lifetime to accomplish), where I can tune in to what is happening in my psyche, and where I put my health (both physical and mental) as a priority above all of the rest.

And most of all, I need to do what my therapist recommends...breathe.  Breathe deep and slow into the places that need it most.  I have an appointment next week with a cranio-sacral therapist to move some energy around, I have planned a weekend around enjoyable social activities, and I am going to head up to the third floor and do some PT for my shoulder in the hopes that surgery won't be necessary.  Also, I am thankful for all of the people in my life who send their love and support my way, whether or not I see them every day.  I love the "family" I have gathered in my life. 

And tomorrow will be a better day.

This is my funny for the week...from the Late Night Slice truck at Hot Times:

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

I honestly believe that if you put energy into the universe, the universe will respond.  The trick is that you have to be able to listen.

During my epiphany week in May, I made the decision to change my life.  That is where this blog originated...I realized I was wearing the ruby slippers all along, and only I could get myself "back home."  Of course, the problem was, I didn't know where "home" was, but I was willing to let it go (and for those of you who know my...umm...I have control issues), and trust in what might happen.

As it turned out, through a series of events that included the deaths of two people connected to me who were just about my age and a last-minute resignation of an instructor at the college where I had been tenured before, I turned in my resignation, and August 31 was my last "official" day employed in my own position.

I would like to say it was a seamless transition, but it wasn't.  My previous employer was totally shocked that someone would walk away from a six figure salary to go to a part-time teaching gig at a private school (read "wages just above volunteer rate"), but I knew I had to leave a negative environment that I could not change.  And, being a change agent, that was difficult for me.  There were obviously some hard feelings from my immediate manager since he refused to let take any work time in my last week to monitor phone calls and emails if I wasn't sitting in a chair in my fishbowl cubicle where he could see me, so I had to burn vacation days (the semester began, so I was teaching a couple of hours each day).  But, in my new position, I am respected, liked and treated like a professional.  And because my colleagues are well aware of what I have to offer, they are thankful that I was able to step in at the last minute and continually tell me so.  Not to mention my colleagues are also my friends...even those in positions of authority.  It is certainly refreshing.

I have taken the Labor Day weekend to reset.  With the drastic reduction in income, we are reprioritizing and reorganizing our lives.  I am looking forward to cooking more and eating out less, to finally being able to enjoy the things I have accumulated instead of accumulating more things, and most of all, having time to do things that enrich my life.  I have time to write, to create in my studio space and to enjoy the outdoors on bike, in kayak or just walking through the woods.  I have been back to the library, one of my most favorite places in the world, and I finally saw the exhibit at the museum I have wanted to see for months.

I have also decided to pare back to the essentials the enrich me physically, too.  I have suffered over the past two months from a broken foot and even longer from an injured rotator cuff.  I made the decision to drop the bootcamp activity, the yang of the exercise world, and concentrate on Nia and get back to yoga and a more yin space.  Lo and behold, my best friend won a semester yoga pass from my favorite studio and turned it over to me.  The universe, once again, delivered.

As we move into fall, my favorite season, I feel lighter and more free than I have in a long, long time.  I am actually looking forward to every day instead of dreading the drama that and mistreatment I dealt with every day at my old job (I really like saying "old job.").  And I have forgotten how much I enjoyed teaching...and how good I am.  I have always identified as a teacher, and I have come back "home" in this respect.  Teaching rewards me in a different way every day, because I know I am making a difference in my students' lives.

As I transition to a new kind of life, I still have fears that aren't easy to shake.  Having had to struggle for survival early on in life, I don't want to go back to a place of desperation and deprivation.  And even though I know that, financially, we have saved and planned for many years to be right where we are now, I still have visions of being a bag lady and pushing a shopping cart with my belongings along the sidewalk.  Irrational, I know, but those old patterns are hard to break.  I guess that is why I am in therapy again.  But I do know...and I mean REALLY know...that the key to having more is wanting less.  We all have lots of stuff, and I finally get the opportunity to enjoy mine.

Stay tuned...I am sure that there will be bumps along the way (oh yea, there is that health insurance thing), but I am moving forward with optimism and happy anticipation.  Look...I said happy.  THAT is worth the whole experience.