Learning To Say No

I'm just a girl who can't say no.  Even when I really, really want to. 

I am sure this has its roots deep in childhood where I always struggled to please a mother with a narcissistic personality disorder (shrink talk).  However, even knowing this, throughout my adult life I have still sought external affirmation, often going out of my way in my professional life to do for others at a cost to myself.  That, of course, leaves me drained and with little of me left for the people I love.  Heck, with little left for me.  Not a healthy way to travel through life.  As a result, I have found my days filled with obligations--the "gotta do's"--with no time or energy set aside for the things I really love doing--the "wanna do's."

Today, that changed.

I had two opportunities to respond to others' requests.  One would have obligated me for a day and is a repeat of the current training I have been doing that I call "The Road Show."  The other was actually an honor and a nomination that would have obligated me for two years and required me to bring my work home on a regular basis.  In both cases, I declined.

Now, that may sound like an easy thing to do, but in my world...not so much.  I think I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility (no doubt another childhood artifact), and I really hate to let people down.  But today, I put myself and my own needs first, and...it felt good.  It felt liberating.  It felt like I was peeling off heavy winter clothing while standing in the hot sun.  What a relief.  And I intend to do again and again until I am stripped bare of all weight of unasked for obligations.  Good thing I'm not shy.