This time of year, as the days grow shorter and the light, when it shows up, is uniformly gray, I feel the urge to store up and hunker down. I gather everything in from the garden, fill the freezer with pre-made meals and baked goods and get my house just so, lining up inside projects that will keep me occupied for the next several months of darkness.
This year, however, my hibernation preparations have expanded to represent my life at this point in time. I have gathered in all of my scattered belongings from the places that I used to be. The totes from my last cubicle are stacked neatly in the garage, and the personal items in my current office can all be rolled out in the one wheeled case I have there in the closet. I am gathering myself into one place, the home I have created over the past thirteen years. And the honest truth is...I really do want to hibernate. I have said many times over the years, "I just want to quit...everything." This year, that is a reality.
When I left my last job at the end of August, I knew I had a safe place to land at the university where I spent eight years as part of the university "family." But four years has made a great difference. Now, I see the institution through the eyes of an outsider, and although I dearly love my friends, I am not one of them any more. I am an outsider, an interloper. No matter how much I am enjoying spending time with my colleagues, I just don't belong. You really can't go home again.
The truth is...I don't want a full-time job, and even this part-time job has demanded a great deal of the time I thought I would have for myself this autumn. I am happy to be welcomed back so enthusiastically, but I don't want my tenure back; I don't want a full class load; I don't want the responsibility of the almost 90 student teachers I will have in the spring and all of their emails and texts and phone calls. I just want to quit...everything. At least for a little while. At least until I figure out what I really want to do.
There have been novel ideas swirling around in my brain for quite some time, but I have never had the time or energy to even give that a try. Now, I really want to. I want the freedom of not having ANYTHING external on my calendar for long stretches of time. I want to wake up without an alarm EVERY day. I want to sit on my window seat and read the books that have been accumulating on my shelves. I want to finish the painting that I started months ago and print out all of the photos I have taken that are inspirations for future art projects. I want to fit and sew the pants that have been hanging out on my cutting table for over a year and needle felt the jackets I have had hanging in the closet for two years. I want to learn to play the guitars and ukulele and piano that sit and wait for me. I want to build a raised bed garden on my deck. I want to cook out of the cookbooks I have gathered for almost 40 years. I want to hike, and bike and kayak and walk the dogs. I want to listen to music and dance and do yoga and move my body in ways that give me pleasure. I want to travel and actually see the people I love. And...I want time to do absolutely nothing.
Since I have committed to next semester, I will have to wait a few more months, but I know now what I didn't know in August. I don't have to be afraid not to have a job. We have saved and been smart about our money and have everything we need. I will not be one of those women in three overcoats pushing a shopping cart full of my worldly belongings. After a lifetime of being in survival mode, I know that I am safe. That is a huge step for me. It is one thing to leap into the void, and another thing entirely to know you will land safely wherever that may be.
Last May I gave myself a year to do what I needed to do to bring joy back into my life. In August, I quit the job that was sucking at my soul. Now, I am on the home stretch. By this May, I will be done with an external job and all of my other professional commitments I am in the process of eliminating. I don't need another thing to add to my vitae. In fact, I don't need a vitae at all.
Now, I think I'll have a cup of tea.
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