Letting Go of "Should"

I am always reflective at this time of year as we wind down to the holiday season and begin to look forward to January, the month of new beginnings, fresh starts, and resolutions to be better than we have been. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the motivations in my life, and I have realized that much of what I do...and what I have done for almost 50 years,,,has been based on the notion of "should."  On its surface, "should" seems harmless enough.  I should get up earlier so I have time to get things done at home before I head out to work. I should watch something more educational than "Real Housewives." I should really clear the chocolate out of my house.  Certainly I would be a better person if I always adhered to the "shoulds" of my life.

However, there are two problems with "should."  The first is, "should" is always predicated on a judgment.  And it is not always our own judgment.  Many times "should" comes from that little voice in our head, that critic who sits on our shoulders, who always reminds us we are not "enough." "You should lose weight because you are not thin enough." "You should get your nose fixed because you would be more attractive." "You should get a different job because you don't make enough money." "You should wear a helmet because you need to be safer."

Even though that inner critic is part of me, she has been formed not from my own judgments necessarily, but from those around me.  Live long enough with a critical person, and you indeed take on a constant state of being less than...and always measuring yourself up against someone else's standards.  Anyone who has lived in this situation knows that always striving to please another leads to stress, anxiety and an ever diminishing sense of self.  In our quest for acceptance, be it from a parent, partner, child or even society as a whole, we are always in a state of never measuring up, of never being enough.

And that leads to the second problem with "should." As long as we choose to exist in a place of inadequacy based on some outside standard, we contribute to our own lack of self worth.  We are culpable in our own misery, whether we realize it or not.  And instead of existing in the present and sitting with what is, of being content with who and what we are, we are constantly looking for what could be. This is very different than setting our personal goals for growth and self-fulfillment and working toward them.  This is about always judging ourselves by someone else's standards, and as a result, always coming up short. This is about allowing someone or something else to determine our own worth.

So, I am now closely examining all "shoulds" in my life.  Every time that little critic on my shoulder reminds me that I "should" be something other than who and what I am at this very moment, I will listen closely to determine whose voice, whose judgment, that really is. Is it my mother, the person I spent most of my life trying to please? Is it the partners or "friends" I have had over the years who needed to diminish me in order to elevate themselves? Is it the media I am surrounded by that tells me how I should look, how much I should weigh and what I should buy?  And if that "should" is not authentic to who I am right and how I choose to grow based on my own observations and analyses ("I should use my words more carefully because I do not want to cause pain to people I love."), I will recognize it for what it is, and leave it in the past where it belongs.

Today, I am enough.