When Opportunity Comes Knocking

The past few months have been a series of ups and downs.  The ups were finishing a major rehab that has been a 13-year process, really making the time and effort to reconnect with the people I love, and watching my garden flourish in spite of the unending heat and drought.  The downs have been the stress involved with completing multiple projects on a short time frame, the realization that our RV at the lake has become more of a burden than a place of relaxation and it's time to move on, and the worry about our daughter and next grandchild who is soon to join the world in less than ideal circumstances.  Oh, and breaking my foot.  Again.  Only a year and a half after I broke my leg. Which was a bit more than a year or so after I broke my foot the last time.

I don't do "helpless" well, and having to navigate, once again, on crutches...and ask for help doing even the smallest of tasks...put me back into a dark place for a while.  But I had a choice, something I have recently realized, to either fight against my circumstances making myself and everyone around me miserable in the process or to accept what has happened and try to make the best of the situation.  I pouted for a day or so, and then turned it around.

The truth of the matter is, I am a "doer."  I have, from an early age, been constantly busy and constantly driven to achieve.  In a large part, this has been my method of coping with an awful childhood, and as a coping mechanism, it has served me quite well.  I have accomplished a great deal in my fifty years.  I have enough degrees for everyone else in my family. I have had success in my career. I have created warm and welcoming homes.  I have learned how to play instruments, lay tile, make pies, sail, read Tarot cards and so many other things that I mostly lose track (although belly dancing lessons are in the near future).  I imagine that my diverse interests stem in part from my tricky Gemini cusp, but mostly it has been my innate insatiable hunger for knowledge and experience.

However, being physically limited has forced me into first gear again.  Forced me to stop "doing" and spend some time "being."  And the truth is, I don't do "being" very well, either.  But that little voice whispering in my ear is saying, "Michele, it is time to slow down, take stock and recharge your batteries."  Usually, I just ignore that little voice because, of course, I have far too much to do.  This time, though, I listened.

For me, slowing down means catching up on my reading.  It means spending time by myself in my house, not feeling like there is something that needs to be done right now.  It means going to bed before the sun goes down and sleeping through until morning. And it means making room for different energy to fill that "doing" space.  Just being.  Now there's a concept.

Planting Seeds

Maybe I should really call this "intention gardening."  I believe that when you plant seeds regarding your intentions, they take root and grow.  So, I have been planting seeds all over, sharing my intention to move my life into a very different direction with everyone I know.  I have told my family, friends, business colleagues, and obviously, I am planting those seeds in cyberspace with this blog.  Even though I don't have a definitive plan or even a specific timeline yet, I know that I need to move on, so I am scattering those seeds as I go.

Part of intention gardening is also fertilizing what you've planted, so I am actively looking into all of those things that I may have wanted to do at some time in the past, but have been either too afraid or too busy to pursue.  I have put out feelers for teaching Nia at the university at which I formerly was a faculty member.  I have been following up on leads for the voice-over acting I have wanted to do for years and years. And, I have also been fertilizing my mind, visiting websites, reading books and trying to learn and grow in new areas. 

The thing that I find most interesting is I am noticing how all of the pieces I have been collecting over the years are finally coming together.  I am seeing that the inspirational artwork, affirmations, books and the "little altars" of things large and small I have filled my space with for years are finally speaking back to me.  They are saying, "This is really who you are, who you have been all along.  It's just taken you a while to figure it out."  This is another Ruby Slipper moment, recognizing what I have known subconsciously all along.  Go figure.

Learning To Say No

I'm just a girl who can't say no.  Even when I really, really want to. 

I am sure this has its roots deep in childhood where I always struggled to please a mother with a narcissistic personality disorder (shrink talk).  However, even knowing this, throughout my adult life I have still sought external affirmation, often going out of my way in my professional life to do for others at a cost to myself.  That, of course, leaves me drained and with little of me left for the people I love.  Heck, with little left for me.  Not a healthy way to travel through life.  As a result, I have found my days filled with obligations--the "gotta do's"--with no time or energy set aside for the things I really love doing--the "wanna do's."

Today, that changed.

I had two opportunities to respond to others' requests.  One would have obligated me for a day and is a repeat of the current training I have been doing that I call "The Road Show."  The other was actually an honor and a nomination that would have obligated me for two years and required me to bring my work home on a regular basis.  In both cases, I declined.

Now, that may sound like an easy thing to do, but in my world...not so much.  I think I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility (no doubt another childhood artifact), and I really hate to let people down.  But today, I put myself and my own needs first, and...it felt good.  It felt liberating.  It felt like I was peeling off heavy winter clothing while standing in the hot sun.  What a relief.  And I intend to do again and again until I am stripped bare of all weight of unasked for obligations.  Good thing I'm not shy.

Wearing the Ruby Slippers

A little backstory about this blog…

Having just turned 50 (yesterday), I have had an epiphany. 

It is almost too cliché to have a mid-century epiphany, and my wonderful astrologer friend L will say it has something to do with my Kyron return, but the reality is that I unconsciously set this whole thing in motion gave myself an amazing 50^th birthday present—a week of intensive training in Nia, a fusion movement form that has a large spiritual component. 

After spending five days in my body, dancing for hours and experiencing joy and freedom of movement I haven’t felt since childhood, my group of trainees and I were examining the Nia principle that deals with creating a sacred livelihood and determining if we are accruing a cosmic salary that fills up our joy tank.  That stopped me cold in my tracks, and I had a “Dorothy in the Emerald City” moment. 

Not only has joy been elusive for quite some time, my day-to-day existence has actually become spiritually and emotionally painful.  I spend every day devoting all of my energy to my job, leaving little, if anything for the people I love and the activities I enjoy.  For the better part of two years, I have been running on fumes.

And I have been wearing the ruby slippers all along!!! 
 
So, I gave myself permission to change my life.  

This blog is a chronicle of that change, and I will say at the outset, I have no idea where I will end up.  I only know that I need to shift my focus and my energy to those people and activities that bring me joy and peace, and literally leave behind anything that drains my energy and sucks on my soul.  I don’t have any illusions about the heavens opening up and a chorus of angels singing, so I am strapping in, knowing that this will be a bumpy ride.

Let the journey begin…